I just remembered that I’m a writer with a bunch of published works. Duh.

Hello, darlings, and welcome to the first non-depressing post of mine in some time.

First, thank you all for putting up with me, and thank you to all who have lent their support to me (and Sarah) over the past year, and especially most recently.

Things are not quite any better, but after some recent interviews, as well as some actual, paid, writing gigs, things are slowly moving upward.

So, for some reason (maybe my brain just got jump-started by having to write those aforementioned writing gigs, or maybe Jessica just got tired of being ignored) I suddenly have the inescapable urge to write again.

To be honest, darlings, it’s actually a bit much. I not only have started working on the final chapter of the JESSICA trilogy with some conspirators (a couple of old hands and some new faces as well) but I’ve begun preparing CHUK for publication later this year, I’ve begun preparing to write the second book of my long-awaited Manatii trilogy (the first I wrote during NaNoWriMo a couple of years ago, and it is still on the editing pile), I’m writing a script based on one of my favourite Jessica B. Bell stories to be turned into a graphic novel (oh my dog, you have no idea how excited I am about this) and somewhere along the way, I got this idea for a novel combining the creations of Robert Bloch, H.P. Lovecraft, Ray Bradbury and Robert E. Howard. Imagine Norman Bates on a quest for the De Vermis Mysteriis in order to bring his Mother back from the dead, while Mr. Dark (who is really Lovecraft’s Nyarlathotep in disguise) runs a casino in Vegas and has put a hit out on the now immortal Solomon Kane, who isn’t who he claims to be at all.

Goddamn those were a couple of long sentences. Like, utterly Dickensian, if I may say so.

Oh dear, I best be careful with the Dickensianisms, or you-know-who might show her mismatched stripey-socked self around here again and all Halesowen will break loose.

Now, if you didn’t understand a word of that, darlings, I do suggest you widen your reading repertoire beyond books involving sparkly vampires or pseudo-BDSM. Might I suggest some Alan Moore or Kim Newman to begin with.

But I digress. I do that. I also do a mean cha-cha-cha and a half-way decent impression of Tom Waits after a few drinks. That is to say, that after a few drinks, I do a half-way decent impression of Tom Waits, and not to say that I do a half-way decent impression of Tom Waits after he’s had a couple of drinks. It’s a subtle difference, darlings, but semantics can be as important as punctuation. Just ask Grandma how she feels about the phrase “Let’s eat Grandma” vs “Let’s eat, Grandma” and I believe you will understand the gist of what I am saying.

Also, this is spinning out of control, and the point (so oft confused with the period) was supposed to be more of an advertisement.

How do you pronounce that word, darlings? Ad-ver-TIZE-ment or Ad-VERTIZ-ment? Just how British ARE you?

Anywhoodles, here comes the punchline. Below you will see a list (with covers! click the covers!) of everything I’ve published. You should totally buy them all. Even if you already have them. Buy them as gifts. Buy them as props. Buy them to put under that one leg of that table you’ve got that doesn’t balance correctly. Buy them to put in the bathroom for whatever use you choose.

(True story — I have one fan who left Memoirs of a Dilettante in her mother’s bathroom, and I totally gained another fan while her mother sat on the toilet and was at a loss for reading materials. I don’t know if I like the implication, but hey, if it works — Memoirs of a Dilettante — it’ll move the mail! I suppose it would have worked better if it had been JESSICA. Jessica will scare the shit out of you!)

But here I go digressing again.

Without further ado (just click the cover art, darlings) here is EVERYTHING.

 

e-book cover

CLICK HERE TO BUY ON AMAZON

Sample chapters from Volume One:

Couche-Tard and the Jumping Asians

Cummerbund Bandersnatch and the Girl With the Wet Spot

The Good, The Bad, and The Hipster

The Return of the Barista With No Name

An Indecent Proposal

 

image06

CLICK HERE TO BUY ON AMAZON

Sample chapters from Volume Two

The Disappearance of Amy LeFevre (An Arcadia Story)

Wild Thing (An Arcadia Flashback)

Snow Blind and Starless

All the Happy Ending You’re Going to Get

A short story about hitting rock bottom and the climb back up.

cover

CLICK HERE TO BUY ON AMAZON

A DILETTANTE IN LOVE

A story about falling in love for the last time.

a dilettante in love

CLICK HERE TO BUY ON AMAZON

image07

CLICK HERE TO BUY ON AMAZON

PENELOPE, COUNTESS OF ARCADIA

Spinning out of Memoirs of a Dilettante Volume Two comes the story of a villain whose foul deeds could only be dealt with within the pages of a Shakespearean style play. Critics call it a laugh-out-loud farce that you won’t want to miss. One critic hated the shit out of it, but there’s always one, isn’t there?

 

 

 

JESSICA

JESSICA

CLICK HERE TO BUY ON AMAZON

From the jacket: There are rumours that I keep a writer trapped in my basement… but I assure you… Jessica is and always was here of her own free will. Until one day she disappeared, and I began to realize that everything I thought I knew about her was wrong. Everyone has a terrifying story about Jessica B. Bell. Some of them are even true.

You can READ THE FIRST CHAPTER HERE

 

 

SINGULARITY

In the Spring of 2015, I began work on a second collaborative project – a sequel to JESSICA, titled SINGULARITY, which involved four other writers and a host of helpers who lent their pictures and videos for promotion.

Singularity 6 x 9 cover

CLICK HERE TO ORDER ON AMAZON

From the jacket: An unspeakable act of violence leaves the residents of Ward C, home of a secret experiment, dead – torn apart. There is only one survivor…
What happens when the creation surpasses the creator?
How far will Jessica go to be real?
Find out in SINGULARITY.

And here’s the trailer:

VISCERA

viscera-variation-6VISCERA is a collection of short stories full of all the things that make you squirm, cringe, and laugh when you know you shouldn’t. You’ll remember why you’re afraid of the dark and experience an abundance of weird creatures: witches, ancient gods, and all-too-human monsters – the scariest of all. Indulge your twisted sense of humor with stories about unconventional werewolves and a woman with a frog fetish. Know what it’s like to arrive too late to save an unusual alien abductee, or giggle with sick delight as a woman serves up a special Hasenpfeffer dinner to her pig of a husband. Settle in for bedtime stories fit for monsters. Viscera will grab you by the gut and squeeze, making you cry for mercy—or laugh like a fiend!

 

 

THIRTY-SEVEN

CLICK HERE TO BUY ON AMAZON

My latest, Thirty-Seven, is a horror story that re-visits territory familiar to anyone who was here back when I was serializing CHUK, but don’t worry, you don’t need to have read that book in order to enjoy Thirty-Seven.

You can check out a teaser HERE.

 

 

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4 responses to “I just remembered that I’m a writer with a bunch of published works. Duh.

  1. Helena, so wonderful to hear your voice again. Yes, you are a writer, a published author, and quite an accomplished and entertaining one, at that. I’m going to share this post with my 17K Twitter followers, most of whom don’t follow me at all. Honestly, I don’t really follow any of them either…

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