I’ve been listening to Blackstar, the final album by David Bowie, on an endless loop, much the way that one might listen to the final telephone message left by a recently deceased loved one.
It’s the last message he left for us, before departing for the void.
But he’s not gone — not really. One flip through my extensive catalog of music can find me perusing old messages from the Thin White Duke, marveling over and over about a certain clever lyric, a particularly wonderful musical phrasing or vocal delivery.
If I have my way, I will be remembered for what I leave behind. I’ve always felt a kinship with Bowie in his restlessness and artistic courage and integrity. I want his ability to follow his own vision, without worrying whether people will ‘get it’ or not. Throughout his career, he would often switch directions so abruptly that he would alienate the audience he had just gained.
But for Bowie, it was more about pleasing and impressing himself rather than the fans.
Which brings me to where I’m at.
I spent just over two years doing what I wanted to do, with a mixed measure of success. I won fans, I lost fans, I confused people who just didn’t ‘get’ what I was trying to do. It was exhausting, and quite frankly, not at all worth the stress and anxiety I felt.
Now I’m at a place where I’m trying to do something else with my life, and I haven’t been writing (not that it’s been that long, but considering I used to average about 2000 words a day consistently, it’s a change for me). This is the first thing I’ve written in 2016, and it’s long overdue.
I don’t know if anyone will read this at all, and that’s okay. This is more for me — to put something new on my wall and declare that I was here. Just a little emotional graffiti.
I’m in a happy place. A place of change, and a place of growth. I’m trying to adult better, to make better use of my time and resources.
I don’t mean to leave anyone behind, but I also don’t have the energy or time to dedicate to trying to juggle social media and my life as it is right now. I was never very good at it to begin with, and now I’m admitting defeat — or, accepting my limitations, if you prefer.
So, if you see me, say hello. If you miss me, I do have a rather large collection of writing you can visit or revisit, like pulling that old Bowie LP out of the stack and falling in love all over again.
Your favourite dilettante,