For when my outward action doth demonstrate
The native act and figure of my heart
In compliment extern, ’tis not long after
But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve
For daws to peck at. I am not what I am.
– Shakespeare, Othello.
I am no villain, darlings, I’m just not the social creature that some are. But like that Shakespearean villain Iago, I’m not in the custom of wearing my heart upon my sleeve, lest it be picked apart. I keep it hidden away, deep inside, protected by a moat and walls of barbed wire.
Being Helena has become too difficult for me — because what once was a mask I could hide behind and pretend not to care no longer works. It’s been cracked, broken, and now is only held together by scotch tape and rubber bands.
It’s served its purpose.
But I don’t see how much longer I can keep it up, or why I would.
Blogging is not something I really want to do. It seems that there is more to blogging than just writing interesting things, or even to have good writing.
You have to court people, form friendships — and I know that, I knew that, I’ve always known that. But I’ve never been good at the long term, and after more than two years of doing this, I am exhausted. I have social anxiety and depression. This is making me crazy.
I watch others have success, and I look at them with jealousy (the green-eyed monster, the Bard said) and look only at what I deem as the quality of their writing and I don’t get it.
But there’s my mistake — it’s not about the quality of a person’s writing (though it does help) but rather, how they socialize, how they shmooze and court followers (friends, if you will).
I KNOW that’s all part of it — but it’s the part that I suck at, because I don’t think I’m a particularly likable person. So I can’t have what I want — that divide between writer and their writing. In the blogosphere, the two will forever be intrinsically linked.
So, I don’t know what to do. Do I pull off the mask entirely, take down the Helena avatar and start calling myself something new? (Yet I still hate my face, my name, who I am and where I come from).
Is that what people need from me in order to take the next step and actually be interested in my art? Because I’ve been trying to wow you. I’ve been doing crazy things that others aren’t doing, and I feel like I’ve been standing on the highway screaming, and nobody has looked.
I feel invisible,and maybe I am because of this persona.
This is only 459 words, but for some, it will be TL/DR.
Here. Here’s me. Please tell me how this makes things any better.