Like we ruin everything else in this world, we are ruining sex.
I see some troubling things happening — here are a couple alarming phrases I’ve heard uttered:
“If you think it was rape, then it was rape.”
Really? So, no room for talk on the subject, then? Guilty by accusation? See, I don’t think that post-coital shame or regret or guilt equals rape. Bad life choices do not equal rape. Believe it or not, men feel these same things. “OH GOD WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT” does not equal rape. “WOW I HAD WAY TOO MUCH TO DRINK LAST NIGHT, I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAD SEX WITH THAT PERSON” does not equal rape.
My prediction — and just wait and see — men will start bringing rape charges against women for the very same reasons. “I was intoxicated. I wasn’t making good decisions. She took advantage of me.”
Or then there’s this one: “Unless there is clear, enthusiastic consent, even in a loving relationship, then it is rape.”
I submit, then, that every sexually active man or woman that has ever lived has, at one time or another, been raped. I know I have.
I think we live in a rape culture. I do. And it disgusts me. But if we start from the presumption that every woman has been raped, then by that line of thinking, every man is a rapist. This type of thinking creates a divide of Monster vs Victim, and I think that is counterproductive, and harmful to society.
Without further ado, on with the tale…
***Disclaimer*** this is satire.
“I had a really great time tonight, Adam.”
“Me, too, Eve. Me, too. I hope it is not too forward, but I am really interested in engaging in sexual intercourse with you.”
Eve’s pupils dilated and her cheeks flushed.
“I would not be opposed to the idea,” she said, reaching into her purse for her tablet. “Shall we?”
“Oh yes,” Adam said, excitedly filling out the contract on Eve’s tablet, stating his intentions and preferences. When he had finished, Eve did the same and handed it back to him for review.
“This looks good,” he said. “Ah…”
“What is it?” Eve asked, annoyed.
“Well, see, under foreplay, you’ve checked NO to fellatio, but YES to cunnilingus,” Adam said, unable to hide his disappointment.
“I’m not in the mood for that,” she replied plainly.
Adam groaned, “But I am.”
Suddenly a klaxon wailed in Adam’s apartment.
WARNING! ANY ATTEMPT AT COERCION WILL BE CATEGORIZED AS SEXUAL ASSAULT. PLEASE CLARIFY YOUR INTENT OR I WILL BE FORCED TO ALERT THE AUTHORITIES, ADAM!
“I’m sorry,” Adam said. “I retract my statement. I’m fine with that.”
“Thank you,” Eve said. “And you’ll see I only chose Cunnilingus 1, which means you may go down on me, but are under no obligation to bring me to orgasm.”
“Why, thank you,” Adam said. “That’s a very considerate concession.”
“I like you, Adam,” Eve said. “You seem like one of the good ones.”
“Thank you, Eve. I like you, too.”
Adam scrolled down the list of acceptable positions and nodded, checking off each one as he went.
“Ah, I see you’ve left this blank,” Adam said. “What are your preferences for ejaculation?”
Eve gave Adam a naughty look. “I thought I’d leave that up to you.”
“Oh, you’re wicked!” Adam said, and motioned to the well-lit bed. “Shall we engage?”
Eve thought for a moment, and then took the tablet back from Adam. “You know, on second thought, I’m not really in the mood tonight.”
Adam sighed. “Fine.”
WARNING, the house-robot’s voice called again, PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE SIGHING UPON ALTERATION OF A SEXUAL CONTRACT IS CONSIDERED FIRST DEGREE RAPE OF A PSYCHOLOGICAL NATURE. PLEASE REMAIN WHERE YOU ARE AND WAIT FOR THE AUTHORITIES TO ARRIVE. I REPEAT — YOU ARE BEING CHARGED AS A SEX OFFENDER — PLEASE AWAIT THE AUTHORITIES.
Eve recoiled from Adam in disgust. “My mother was right,” she sneered. “All men are rapists.”