That Strange Feeling of Nothingness…

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything personal, and even now, my fingers hesitate over the keys for fear of being judged unfairly or being scrutinized and torn apart with blunt, rough hands.

I constantly struggle with depression, and I’m sure this is a part of it, but it’s not the ‘weeping on the floor, can’t get out of bed, tearing at my hair’ type of depression, so it isn’t so severe that it’s frightening.

Instead, I have this strange feeling of nothingness. I have no energy, I can’t seem to get excited about anything, and I spend a good deal of time lying in bed or on the couch, barely aware, without the urge or desire to get up and do anything. I don’t think I’m just being lazy.

I’d get up and go for a walk, but it’s raining. Or I’m tired. Or I’m sore. Or I just don’t want to. Or whatever other excuse I give myself.

I am a lump of a person, and I know that it’s taking its toll on me.

I have all but given up all social activity. I suggest get-togethers with friends — I try to engage with co-workers — but I know I’ll find a reason to cancel.

I’m writing this for myself, I suppose — to admit it in print. To have someone read it and say “I’ve been there — you’re normal.” or perhaps “Snap out of it. Force yourself to go for a walk. And then do it again tomorrow. And the next day… and the next. And eventually, you will drag yourself out of it.”

I want someone to hold me accountable. Someone to take me by the hand and say “Okay, it’s time to get out of this slump now.”

I’m tired of social media. I get so upset by stupidity and I find I cannot hold my tongue or stop myself from being condescending and judgmental — I admit this freely. With so much going on, I find it easier to hide.

I’m not writing, but that’s okay. My creativity has an outlet in making promos for SINGULARITY. I’ve also finally heard from Siren’s Call about VISCERA, and I’m working with their editor now. I’m also beginning talks with another writer about the possibility of publishing her book through Dilettante Publications, so I have so much to keep my mind occupied. I’m reading a hilarious novel by Christopher Moore. I’ve finally started watching American Horror Story: Freakshow and am enjoying it as much as I liked the very first series.

I can tell you what’s happening in my life. There is no hazy disconnect — and yet… and yet I could sleep the clock around and around right now. Getting up and going to work and making it through the day feels like drowning.

I don’t know who will read this — and it doesn’t matter. I’m not writing this for views or likes. I just needed to write it, and if anyone wants to talk to me about it, you know where to find me, and you will find me open to talking.

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19 responses to “That Strange Feeling of Nothingness…

  1. Oh, welcome to the world of someone struggling with depression. You don’t really want to hear someone say “snap out of it”, either because all it will do is annoy you when you know if you could have just “snapped out of it”, you would have done that already!! Your symptoms: all of them, apathy, nothingness, lack of inspiration, intolerence (yep, a smyptom too!!) all of it means you’re not at your best now. Depression is like a journey, only you are not quite sure where you are, where you are going, if you want to go there and you’re not quite sure if you want any travelling companions at all? its a pisser, but it does pass. Eventually. With help. With pills. And with patience. Hang in there.

  2. I think you’re normal, FWIW. Do you want me to be the one to tell you to get up and go on a walk? When I’m depressed, I force myself (even if I’m in tears over it) to get outside. Inevitably I’m glad I did it. It doesn’t always “fix” me, but it helps.
    Sending good vibes your way, my friend.

  3. Hi.
    My heart broke for you while reading the post.
    But I know exactly what you’re feeling. I’ve felt it on and off for the past 5 years.
    Only recently did I start getting help.
    You need professional help to deal with depression of this depth.
    I realised that when I was at deaths door.
    Because your life can and will get better!
    Proper therapy and medication does help!
    And friends help the most!
    It’s a long battle. One that I’m probably going to fight for the next couple of years or even a lifetime.
    So if you ever need someone to talk to, someone who completely understands the nothingness, leave a comment on my blog or email me at themetamorphosisjoke@gmail.com
    Stay strong love xx

  4. Going for a walk would be good, but I haven’t a leg to stand on, seeing as the last two weeks I’ve ended up sleeping the evenings away because awake has been too much to handle.

    I hope you come back into the light soon, cherie. It sounds like you’re finding ways to keep yourself occupied and vaguely entertained in the meantime. Keep doing that – lashings of self-nurture will help. *HUGE HUGS*

  5. I am feeling exactly the same for quite a while, with no change, so much tired and so much nothingness that I am seriously asking myself is this just me or I have a tumor or something? :/

      • But is that good, even? If its nothing I can cut off with lazorz, then it means I was right all along: I am the asshole that does not fit. Its sad, cause theres people at here actually hoping it is something that can be cut off, so I can finaly be whatever it is they are wanting me to be instead of “this”.
        See, at least you can always come to me if u want to be innundated in shitty problems 🙂 I must think of a really bad joke to compensate, I shall get back to you!

  6. I think depression and anxiety are common among writers, artists of any kind. It’s where the creativity comes from – pain, life, sadness, hurt. Some pay a higher price for it than others, but there’s a price. I’m sure that isn’t going to make you feel better, but I think it’s truth. Wish I had an easy answer. I think realizing you’re depressed is big. I’ve joined a writer’s group which holds me accountable for writing. It’s a lot of work though and very tough on the ego. But, I find it helps. Hang in there.

  7. I have dark days and even weeks at times. Sometimes I can pinpoint stressors that have led me to that point, but most of the time I can’t. I hate it. I hate feeling like a waste of air, the fake smiles, my children and husband witnessing depression take a hold of me….I hate it. I have to say though I am more accepting of it now. I’m learning how to just go with it instead of question it. I know I’ll get to the other side eventually…and so will you. How did your walk go? A drive and the perfect playlist always does me good.

  8. Creation wreaks havoc on our psyches. It causes discord in our relationships. It germinates with high expectations. I understand where you are, because I sometimes feel that way myself. It’s hard to make a thing go somewhere. I agree with some of the other comments. Go for walks or exercise in some way most days. Spend time with a friend or two, even when you don’t feel like it. (I’m doing that today.) Do something that makes you happy, something that has nothing to do with creation. (I look at weird architecture on pinterest, or I plan completely irresponsible getaways.)

    I don’t think what you’re experiencing is unique. People these days seem to think a quick Facebook fist bump qualifies as meaningful friendship. Birthday cards and observations aren’t necessary. A fifty-year wedding anniversary can be honored with a quick, “Congratulations!!! (insert emoticon here.) Nine people can be gunned down two blocks from where I was eating, and a grand total of five people IN THE ENTIRE WORLD reached out to check on me. Not that the shootings were about me. But they see me on Facebook, assume I’m fine and move on. Social media is making us all into assholes.

    • That very last sentence — would you believe that my VERY FIRST post as Helena (before I’d really figured out who Helena was) was called “The Internet has made Assholes of Us All”? I will keep trying. Thank you, Andra.

  9. I understand this only too well – and I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way at the moment. You’re not abnormal, and yes, you will get off the couch soon. Something will happen to make it so. It just does. As you know, I’ve been AWOL for many months from here, for a variety of different reasons, but some days really have felt like I’ve been dragging my carcass through, only by sheer force of will. And then I crash and burn, have an emotional melt-down and things get brighter for a while.

    But this isn’t about me, it’s about you. If you’re fighting the black (or grey, or merely off-white) dog, and still manage to keep yourself upright and breathing and functioning, then you’re doing a damned fine job. Even if it is at a disconnect.

    We’ve all got our eyes on you Madame Helena, and we care. So… keep on keeping on xx

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