Pot smokers talk about pot, and being stoned, and remember that time I was so stoned? I was so wasted, man!
Depressed people talk about being depressed, and I’m so depressed, and I can’t cope, and I just want to kill myself, and blah blah blah… and it’s depressing.
If you keep at it long enough, pretty soon people are avoiding you. They smile politely, and then go away and either wait until you’ve cheered up, or just decide you’re too much work and go away altogether.
And who could blame them, really? Depressed people are SUCH HIGH MAINTENANCE, and you can never tell if they’re sad about something discernible that you might be able to help with, if they’re in a depressed funk that even THEY don’t know what the cause of is, or if they’re just bored and need a good kick in the ass.
So why bother? Too much work, I say.
They bounce back and forth between miserable, self-absorbed silences, pouting in the corner, unable to get off the couch or out of bed (yet still somehow able to write dark gloomy missives the likes of which would make Marilyn Manson slit his wrists) or else they’re angry and agitated and snapping at everyone around them.
Charming, really. Yes, sign me up to have drinks with that person! Why don’t we just pass on the drinks and head right to the gas oven and stick our heads in, shall we?
Depressed people make everyone uncomfortable — it’s like constantly being at someone’s funeral. You know they’re upset, but you don’t know what to say, and the best you can come up with is hollow platitudes, and as you don’t want to constantly sound like an utter couche-tard, you’ve made it your policy to just say nothing at all.
Trying to be friends with a depressed person, every day is like Russian Roulette. You like them when they are happy — you really do — but let’s face it, they really only have one or two really good days in ten. The rest of the time, you’re constantly trying to make them feel better, or make them comfortable. It’s a real pain in the ass.
Depressed people have come up for a real sure-fire success method of how to lose friends and alienate people. If you want people to leave you alone, you need only follow the example of someone with depression.
Mood swings – be cheery and happy one day, and then spend the next day quietly moping — try to cry a bit if you can.
Frequent absences – disappear. This is actually easier than you’d think. Just stop calling people, don’t return text messages, take up a hobby or habit that requires that you spend a lot of time by yourself, and get obsessed with it. This will begin the process of isolation.
Bite the hands of well-meaning people – snap at people who notice you’re not acting like yourself. The phrases “none of your business”, “who do you think you are” or the ever popular “fuck off” are excellent choices.
Lose your shit in public – have a very public meltdown, or tantrum — either in the real world or on some social media forum. This is a fantastic way to get people talking about you behind your back, or at least, for you to start worrying that they are, thus causing you to withdraw out of paranoia or embarrassment.
Make an actual, honest, admission of depression – up until this point, it’s all been conjecture. If you tell someone — or better yet, make a public admission, that way you cover all your bases all at once. It’s like putting a coming out announcement in your local newspaper.
If all of this STILL doesn’t work, and you’ve still got pesky friends still hanging around, you may need to bring out the (pardon the pun) big guns and mention suicide. People will tell you that honesty is the best policy, and that it’s better to get these things out in the open, but the truth is, tell people that you’re feeling suicidal, and it’s like you said that you enjoy sexually molesting farm animals. You can hear the chirping of crickets as your last remaining acquaintances flee in awkward terror.
Seriously, depressed people — why do you do this? It makes things very awkward, and makes it VERY difficult to maintain friendships with you. Quite honestly, it freaks us the fuck out. We worry that you might be completely unstable, and that you might be dangerous to associate with. We don’t know what to say to you. Jesus, what do you expect from us? Why can’t you just be normal? We’ve got enough drama in our lives without having to deal with your constant neediness. Have you ever tried, I dunno, not being depressed? Maybe you should see a doctor and get on some good drugs; put a smile on your face.
For those of you who I have alienated, made uncomfortable, or otherwise freaked the fuck out.
Sorry about that.
I didn’t mean to vomit on your shoes.
I’d love to talk to you, hear how you’re doing, have a drink or two and laugh.