An American Redneck in Transylvania – Friday Fictioneers

Hello darlings. Are you enjoying your Friday on Wednesday? I’m so glad.
I’m going to have to ask you to forgive me for sounding like one of those people from PBS who interrupt your favourite show in order to tell you that operators are standing by to take your pledges, and that quality programming like this can only be possible because of VIEWERS LIKE YOU — but the fact is, I’m in the middle of something that’s very important to me, darlings, and I know that some of you will probably be interested in hearing about it.



(Incidentally, for those of you who are aware — just 5 days in and we’re already 55% of the way to our goal. That’s encouraging! So go on, back a winning project today! Operators are standing by!)

(If you have questions, or you just want to talk to me, CLICK HERE)

And now back to your regularly scheduled program….

Friday. On a Wednesday. Rochelle Wisoff-Fields, heavyweight champion of the Flash Fiction world, faces off against nearly 100 other writers. The Challenge: look at a photo, and write a story — a self-contained story — using only 100 words (or so. I say or so because for the first time EVER I’ve gone over by more than 10 words. I’M SO SORRY)

This week’s photo is brought to you by the lovely people at Sandra Crook Incorporated. (insert TV jingle here).

Other stories this week are brought to you by the fine folks at Little Blue Frog:


“I still say this lacks panache.”

“And I still say shut up,” his older brother Wally spat through tobacco-stained lips. “Iffin I’m gonna bag me a vampire, it ain’t gonna be at night with torches and pitchforks. That may be how grandpappy did it, but look where that got him!”

“You’re sure this guy’s a vampire?” Horrace asked, concerned they might be making a terrible mistake.

“Sure I’m sure! Look at his house! All vampire houses have turrets and towers and such — everybody knows that, you idjit!”

Horace reluctantly lit the bales of hay on fire, and drove the tractor with the VAN HELSING BROS logo into the old Victorian.


And now a word from our sponsors….

Go read the other stories now, darlings. Stories like these are only made possible by readers like you!

Like, maybe you want to start with this one: TOASTED by Hannah Sears, who wrote a sequel to my piece.


51 responses to “An American Redneck in Transylvania – Friday Fictioneers

  1. Oh I do like it when my random-story-generator sends me to you, Helena! Hurrah for the novel project, I hope it continues to flourish. As for your story, I LOVE the brothers – what fantastic voices for them both, and what great opening lines.
    How many words are you over? You could cut the entire attribution for “Are you sure he’s a vampire?” – nothing wrong with it, but you don’t need it; the concern is clear in the words.

    • That’s exactly what I was thinking of cutting! I think I’m only at 112 words or something, so that could trim it down some.
      I really liked these characters… Hannah (who sometimes writes here) does EXCELLENT character pieces… I may give them to her for her birthday to see what she can do with them.
      I’ve got a rotten cold, but I’m going to work my way through the stories the next couple of days — I always look forward to yours, too.

      • Well, you’re a tad late on my birthday gift but I do love these characters! However, i think they’re Helena-ized so perfectly I’m afraid I would just mess them up. I wont lie and say I’ve haven’t recently (as in yesterday) considered dredging up Mr. Van Helsing for something-or-other–it surprises me how little has really been done with him. Maybe these are some of his less-qualified lackeys?

      • I never got you anything for Christmas, Boxing Day, or any obligatory Canadian holiday, so don’t send me any Ginger Gores yet.

  2. Haha ooh Sandra beat me to it but yes fancy word ‘Panache’ and I loved the incorporation of Van Helsing at the end 🙂

    • Had I more words, I was going to insinuate that perhaps the elder Van Helsing had married his first cousin, resulting in progeny that are less than genius material.

      Thanks for dropping by, darling. Look forward to reading your take.

  3. Pingback: Toasted | Vers Les Etoiles·

  4. Random tidbit. Panache is one of my favorite words. I had a calico by that name as a girl. Okay now tuning back to your fabulousness. This is terrific.These brothers felt like the hilly billy tweedle-dee tweedle-dum.

  5. Who knew the first modern-day suicide bomber was a redneck vampire-hunter who hadn’t done his homework and mistook an aged Victorian for a Transylvanian castle. Fun story with good characterizations.

  6. Nice touch introducing the Van Helsing family into the tale. I always preferred the Edward Van Sloan Van Helsing to the handsome-as-hell Hugh Jackman Van Helsing, but looks like the whole line has seen better days. You go, darling, with Kickstarter and that book!

  7. Hahahaha!! I especially loved their accents, and the title of the story. Really brought the scene to life. If I wasn’t broke, I’d totally donate to your Kickstarter campaign! Best of luck with your book!!!

      • You’re quite welcome, dear. I don’t remember – this may be my first visit. If you continue to write such excellent stories, I shall certainly be back. 🙂

  8. Brilliant! It sounds like the newest additions to the Van Helsing family are doing their best to keep up traditions, but I hope they’re not accidentally attacking some poor chap who just happens to like turrets and such!
    I shall pop over to Hannah’s to see what happens 🙂

  9. I tried to say panache once, but it came out more like pancake. Some people might consider it profiling, but I’m pretty sure you can always judge a vampire by his castle.

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