The Countess Penelope of Arcadia’s List of Things You Will Never See Happen (But Totally Should Happen)

1. An actor leaves a soap opera — because the actor ACTUALLY HAS AMNESIA. They just can’t remember who they are, and so are unable to continue with the show, and so the writers have to actually kill someone off and leave them dead.

2. A Disney Prince proposes to a Princess within 24 hours (I’m being generous, I know) of meeting her, and she, like, laughs in his face and tells him to fuck himself. (And yes, I want the profanity included).

3. A television sitcom featuring a gay man who knows absolutely nothing about women. No, seriously, he’s, like, completely clueless, and gets really pissed off at some woman who comes to him for advice. I want him to scream “Just because I like the cock, it doesn’t mean I know what it’s like to be a woman.” Again, yes, keep the profanity. Why? Fucking because, that’s why.

4. A rap-music video where all of a sudden, all the women in the video suddenly listen to the lyrics, take a look at each other and how they’re dressed, and get really, really angry, and in a completely impromptu move that for some reason the makers of the video just decide to leave in, they beat the ever-loving shit out of the singer, kicking him in the balls all the while screaming TAKE THAT YOU MISOGYNIST MOTHERFUCKER. GO AHEAD! CALL ME BITCH ONE MORE FUCKING TIME! (Please see previous comments about the fucking profanity.)

5. A day — just ONE FUCKING DAY on the Internet without any gossip (or news, if that’s what you want to call it) about celebrities, about whom I do not give one (no, not even one little) flying rat’s ass.

6. A Liam Neeson or Robert DeNiro movie where they actually demonstrate the fact that they are Academy Award Winning Actors. I mean seriously, enough is enough. Liam – no more action movies — Bobby – no more fucking Fockers. Agreed? Did you both lose a bet or something?

7. Someone makes an accusation of rape, and is given the benefit of the doubt that they are telling the truth. You know, like, they’re innocent of the crime of lying until proven guilty. Seems only fair, as the way things stand now, the accused is always given that treatment. They can’t both be lying, why do we always suspect that the woman’s the one telling the porky pies? (Too soon? Don’t fucking care.)

8. Tomorrow’s headline, in large type, in every newspaper: DEAR JUSTIN BIEBER: YES, YES, YOU’VE GOT OUR ATTENTION. YES, YOU’RE VERY BAD ASS. NOW GO AWAY, PLEASE. WE HAVE RUN OUT OF FUCKS TO GIVE. (see related #5)

9. Big name male actors — like, I don’t know — Kevin Spacey, Brad Pitt, Cummerbund Bandersnatch (shut up, yes, I know his real name) doing commercials for, like, whatever the male equivalent of L’Oreal and Maybelline is. I’m so sick of seeing actresses that I thought had a shred of integrity hocking fucking eye shadow. You never see a commercial for Gillette razors starring Sir Ben Kingsley, Jason Statham, Bruce Willis & Stanley Tucci.

10. All you can eat Cold Stone Creamery. Yeah. I went there. That shit is incredible, and I just want to walk in some day and eat so much that I have to have a medieval style jester stick a feather down my throat and take me to the vomitorium and then do it all over again. There’s a word for this, I believe. It’s called gluttony, and it’s a delicious, if deadly sin.

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29 responses to “The Countess Penelope of Arcadia’s List of Things You Will Never See Happen (But Totally Should Happen)

  1. Helena, there’s more than ten of these hilarious mini-rants isn’t there?! You guys crack me up! I’m with Dana, fucking hysterical! RED

  2. This list was fucking terrific! I’m down with you on ALL of them, although I am partial to #7. But truly all of them need to happen, at least once in my ever shortening lifetime 🙂

  3. This was very funny!
    The only problem with number 1 is that the actor might regain his memory and remember that his contract says he’s been signed up for the next 5 years. Then the writers will have to un-kill him 🙂

      • At a our annual Halloween party, the adults gave him the opportunity to let loose with one swear – combo or single – Dang, that kid can swear, inventively too. But he does not in the presence of his dear mother – even when he’s playing xbox, he’s fairly restrained if he knows I’m within hearing distance. It’s my fault – I had a mouth like a sailor, and living in Dublin really didn’t help it. It took years to ease off in front of him!

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